The Beginning Of A New Life

The most amazing thing has happened …You know that love I was oh so afraid of? Well today my soul has completely been set free, today I have become the most luckiest woman in the world, cause today he got on one knee... The love I feel in my heart I never knew even existed .The struggles I go through everyday.. just don’t even matter anymore cause through it all ..I have him. Im ready for this new chapter! Who am I kidding I wish I was saying ‘’I Do’’ tomorrow… forever just isn’t long enough with you. I’m so happy for the first time I don’t even know what to do with myself… Oh baby is that light burning bright now. I give in, I surrender! You have all of me forever with no more fear or fighting ever again .You have me so wrapped up and in so deep I feel like I’m just drowning in your love and I never want to come back to the surface. I get so lost in those eyes every time ours meet.. Needless to say I have come to realize your what I have been waiting for my whole life.. you are my one and only final truth. This is the beginning of my happily ever after and I cant wait to tell it all.

October 1st

The divorce is finally over! I hope with this there can be peace in my soul again. It’s time for a new chapture for me and I hope a good one. So much is about to happen and honestly I’m afraid, I’m almost 18 and I don’t know where my life is going to take me. My love will be leaving soon to go to college which leaves me upset and trapped all over again, I don’t know what I will do without him by my side. A very important person to me died a few days ago… My aunt, I have never looked up to someone so much and the sad part is we don’t ever see or realize these things until the person we love so much is no longer there and we cant tell them those things. No matter what I do I’ll do with her on my mind cause I always wanted to make her proud. I have never seen someone so strong and loving in all my life no matter what she went through or how very sick she was she never once complained. I think she knew she wasn’t going to make it through this time… and yet she still kept a smile on her face. I have to wonder if she was afraid of dying or if she was ever really afraid of anything and what was going across her mind as she laid down to go to sleep not knowing that she wasn’t going to wake up. So who is your hero? If you know and there still around go tell that person how much they mean to you and how much you look up to them cause tomorrow isn’t promised and you never know what’s going to happen next so go take advantage.. I wish I still had the chance.

July 15th My Awaiting

I’m falling…I’m falling hard, I’m falling deep. Scared to turn and really look at you… for your beauty blinds me. With the tiny piece of heart that is left, my body waits in terror for it to be shattered…. but you already took that piece from me and somehow you made it whole again. You’re my light in my darkness. Could you be my only and final truth? For my soul weakens of even the thought of you, for my breath stops of the very sight of you, for my heart aches for yours when you away. The flames of your light burns within my soul begging for me to give in…I’m scared to jump unto you, yet I’m ready to feel your arms around me forever. I see the ring on my finger from you... I see so much. Why, why do you want me so? How could something so beautiful push its soul and heart into me? God has put you in front of me for a reason, put all these feelings and images towards you for a purpose. You feel so right to me and so perfect I don’t know how it could be true! I can’t stop the falling anymore…I can’t hide all these fellings anymore…For it feels like a lifetime that I have known you. Are you what I have been waiting for my whole life? Your light burns brighter and brighter and comes closer and closer for I can no longer run... Nor do I want to. Somehow I know I belong to you... Maybe it’s the deep thoughts I can see in your eyes, the love that you project towards me with every look or the passion that lingers off of your lips. All I know is I’m done running and hiding, I’m running into that light and I’m never looking back. If there is ever any love for me to believe in, it is this! I feel your arms around me and I have never felt so safe or loved.. For I am forever yours .. For my soul has imprinted on yours. Time can only tell my true fate.. so I am awaiting with all my love in your arms for what I feel is my soulmate, for you to make your next move in your life with me by your side.

May 29th

So I had the joy of going to court with my mom for the first time woohoo! When we get there and she goes in while I sit in the car. As I was sitting there I notice his car isn’t anywhere so I keep looking just to see that this one woman in a car was looking at me. At this point I really started to think maybe that was his girlfriend, which even the very thought of it pissed me off. Time goes on and still this woman is looking at me then I knew it was her! This woman was about to break her freaking neck from trying to look at me so what do I do? I make myself nice and cozy and sit there and looked at her as hard as I could and I never looked away. With her knowing that I was daring her to even try to do anything she turned her head and looked away while still glancing back just to see if I was still looking at her. Two hours go by and it finally came to an end as I waited for my mother to come out my ‘’father’’ came out with his lawyer smiling and laughing together. See anything wrong with that? I sat there watching, waiting ,and wondering if he was even going to see me sitting there looking at him but he was to worried about hopping in his new car with his girlfriend/friend while we go home and try to find ways to pay for the lights to stay on. Oh what a man he is! I haven’t asked one thing from him since he has left but one thing. I asked for his wedding ring since it means nothing to him anyway and he called me and laughed, cussed, yelled just being as nasty as he could be over it.

The Beginning

December 16^th 2011 is where I shall begin my story and is the day my ‘’Father’’ left. I wish more than anything I could get this day out of my head.. We had our suspicions of him doing things but we had no proof until this day. He was busted for his wrong doings and there was no turning back from them. I remember my mother screaming and crying and telling him over and over again if he just told the truth, still giving him a chance knowing what he has done that she would try to work it out and she wouldn’t leave him. You think he told the truth? No he didn’t. At this point I hear him saying evil and hateful things to my mom to point I felt like I had to step in. While speaking my mind and telling him to stop… he steps in balling his fist with a look on his face I will never forget.. He was going to punch me in the face and if my mother wouldn’t have come in between us he would have. He turned to walk out the door.. I grabbed his arm pulling ,crying ,screaming ,..and begging for him not to go.. he pulled away from me as hard as he could to point I thought my arm was broke. As I watched him get in the car I knew that would be the last day I would ever see him again. Please first off understand that my father was never a father there are a lot of things that have went on in my life which you kinda get the idea of in The Confessions of a Broken Heart which has lead to the way they are now. I thought this was the worst day of my life at the time but little did I know it was just the beginning. I had no one but my boyfriend , who I had been with for almost two years at the time. I thought he was going to be the only one to get me through all of this and the only one that was going to be there for me. Christmas came and only you can imagine or know how that felt to not have your father there. Only good thing about Christmas was my boyfriend was there to stay the night to try to keep me happy which even at that point nothing could. The next day my mother filed for divorce and changed all the locks in the house, he made it very clear he didn’t care about us and had no plan on coming back. I had to watch my mother make herself sick from crying on the day that was supposed to be there anniversary, December 18^th,they would have been together for 21 years that day.. Months of hell slowly went by.. with him still trying to do anything he could to make us upset…shocker.. 2012 We have no money, we had to put our house up for sell having no way to pay the bills. I have no idea how we even have money to even eat anymore…between paying for my school, our car, paying to help my grandmother while were living there, and paying a lawyer. April has come and my birthday is very close with me wishing I didn’t even have one anymore, trying to make the best of things, stuff just got more shitty by the second. My birthday has come.. oh wahoo..lets see where do I even begin with this day, For one thing I was happy cause my cousin who is really my sister to me was there but at the same time I was upset I hadn’t really talked to my boyfriend which I had now been with for two years and 2 months in a few weeks and was very upset at the idea of him not being there.  Well the day goes on I’m trying to make the best of it not think about my dad and then I get a message on facebook  from my boyfriend saying he was gone out of state and happy birthday and then he deleted his page so I was like what the hell. I get online do my thing find a way to turn his account back on just to find out that the person who I thought was the love of my life, my whole world, the person I did and gave everything to, and the only damn person I had left was cheating on me… At this point all I wanted to do is die and sadly if it wasn’t for my sister being there with me all day that I wouldn’t be talking to you right now cause I felt like I had no use to the world no one wanted me and I was just done!!So as I sit there crying over him with my dad texting me being smart to me at the same time my now ex calls me acting like everything was fine cause he didn’t know that I knew what he had done, not only did I know he was cheating on me but I knew everything cause I talked to the girl he was and is now so called in love with. While I’m trying to get him to tell me the truth as he still sat there and lied said I wouldn’t let him talk and hung up with me. Texting him pouring my heart out to him asking him how could he when even the clothes on his back came from me yeah people I was that kind of girlfriend , I took him meds when he was sick, got him jobs, gave him food when he had none, clothes on his back, shoes on his feet all for him just to do me like that. After those texts that was the last time we spoke and I was way more pissed than upset, I was honestly shocked that I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. How could I be? I’m the one that did everything right and never did him wrong so why should I waste my time crying over someone who no longer deserves it. A few weeks went by with the court thing still going on, things are starting to get a little better. With my mom and my grandmother gone to court my best friend for a long time was coming to see me, which made me very happy even more so since I started to have feelings for him. He pulled in the drive way with my heart racing and me trying to play it off like its nothing of course lol that’s just how I do =p anyway he made me a very happy girl that day and I became his girlfriend. It is now May 15^th as I wright this. Sorry I know I’m way past late to getting to this and posting all this. We have now been together for 3 weeks and yesterday was amazing, I went to the mall with my boyfriend , but heres the funny part as I was coming out of the mall and getting into his car with him we were trying to figure out where we were going to go to eat. He leans in to kiss me and as soon as I looked up from us kissing there my ex in the car next to use staring and I could see the pain on his face for seeing me with him even after what he did to me. God forgive me if I’m wrong but it made me feel better cause at that moment he knew what he lost and at same moment I looked at my boyfriend and saw what I gained and I felt very happy for once through all of this I am happy and its all cause of you my boyfriend and later on that day I got sick and you took me home and stayed as long as you could just so you take care of me J. Sadly I will never forget my past and the people that were in it when I wish I could but we all do that and we all have to learn how to let go of everything and move on. There’s still drama with my dad but its getting closer to it being over!!! Thank God!! Well that is all I have to tell now people, Stick with me here people I have no internet so I will post when I can but I will never stop writing. I will make a email were you can ask me anything that you need help with and I will do my best to help in anyway. So keep your head up, stay strong ,and stay fly J Until next time <3     Daughter of one

The Confessions of a Broken Heart

Never would I think that everything that once was, would be gone and be gone so fast. My heart is shattered beyond any belief. Since the day you “My Father” left me there has been nothing but pain and suffering. Everyday since I was little till now has been a war…a war never won. For as long as I can remember there has been nothing but tears and screams and no way to break free. How can a person inflict so much pain on another person? Sometime I wonder if this is what it feels like to be dead, if there’s anything that could hurt more than this. The years I have longed to run away from the pain and to keep the tears from running from my mother’s face, I have become such a melancholy, enraged, bemused almost lifeless person because of you… and it means nothing to you! The struggle I have…. to keep the tears from falling.  To stay strong trying to keep away my mother’s misery and tears. I am so lost, it’s like the whole world has turned on me completely! My heart seems like it could never be mended after the year of suffering, trying to figure out what was going around me and how to fix everything even then at a young age. I have watched you put my mother through so much pain, so many tears fall down here face, bruises on her skin…. I don’t understand how another human being could inflict nor want to inflict so much pain on another person. Why do we no longer mean nothing to you? I’m amazed that you can just act like nothing ever happened at all. It breaks my heart so bad to know that I am just a daughter of one instead of two.. The way you have talked to me while you ‘’Miss Me’’ , The evil that has over taken you.. and still to this day 4 months later you still try to do and start anything that you can. Lie on my mother in any way you can, hurt her in any way you can think of. For once in my life I would love to be a teenager just once. You never gave me that chance even as a child. I was forced to deal with and see things that a child should not have to see or try to understand. I had to become a woman 10 years ago because I had to! I always felt like I had to fend for my mother, to keep my mother safe from my own father.. and yet somehow some way you always made me feel like every fight and everything was my fault and still to this day even though your gone.. I know deep down God has something better planned for us, that everything will be ok. It just seems like it’s going to take forever before that happens.